She / He will love me one day
It sounds silly for one to be using to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either restricted or not consistent. As a child, the “torchbearer,” may have been always trying to win the love, approval or affection from a parent (or someone else influential) who was unavailable, rude or failed to provide proper promotion…. or the child could have observed one parent in a sort of one-sided love relationship with the other and could have taken that energy on.
Existential level love
At an existential level, the torchbearer may have developed a trust that they are not routine of love and they may find themselves involved to love situations that look to keep them stuck in this dynamic: loving someone, but not able to fully receive love back. Although the person senses worthless of love on some level, often they know they are earnest on another level, which the torchbearer then may become confused as to why they stay dependent to an unavailable person. The relationship then becomes about fantasy, idealization, evasion, or a love-hate relationship ensues where the fan both loves and criticizes of the object of their devotion.
According to love habit expert Susan Peabody, the main categories of love habits include:
obsessed love addicts: grip and can’t let go even if their partners are unavailable or abusive
codependent love addiction: needy to please partner for sense of self
vain love addicts: take advantage of their partner and can act neutral, selfish or abusive and yet still feel addicted to partner and can’t let go
ambivalent love addicts: this category includes one-sided love addicts (also known as “torch-bearers”), saboteurs, seductive with holders, and romance fans. The main goal through this kind of love addiction is the avoidance of true deep emotional closeness and bonding. These addicts crave love and affection, but are afraid to get too close at the same time.
What Can You Do If This Sounds of love Like You?
Often, I see two main themes running in these relationships: fear of true communication (or fear of accepting a communication or lack thereof), and fear of weakness & rejection. Many times I also recommend torchbearers learn how to set boundaries and how to respect others boundaries. If the torchbearer is holding on waiting for a “sign” or sample from the love object, fearful of giving up, learning communication would help with getting out of picturing a relationship and making it more real. In the least, the torchbearer can get conclusion, if the love fan’s desires are not common.
Getting conclusion isn’t always an easy thing for a love addict. It is often considered to be a strict rejection. Many frightened unrequited love addicts wish to avoid being hurt at all costs. However, with this cost, these love addicts avoid true closeness and relationships.
Communication with Yourself for love
The first step is for the torchbearers to ask themselves what they truly need from a relationship. What is their vision of how they want to be loved and loyal to? This step may be one of the hardest. The unanswered love addict may be so used to avoiding confrontation that asking them to figure out what they want and need seems strange. It may just transmission the love addiction from one of pursuing the unanswered love interest to holding a torch and sorrow in silence while pining after the loss. They may keep on stuck, doubting if maybe this person is still missing them or thinking of them and it gives them hope for resolution.
Communication with Your Love Interest
If communication is possible to ask for conclusion, this is the next step. I recommend asking in direct ways and not just looking for “signs.” State what you want out of love and a relationship, and ask the object of your love if they feel they will ever be able to give it. The whole idea of love addiction is the belief that without love one is nothing.